A little about my life. Read at your own risk.

Beginnings

Not actually knowing where the beginnings are concerning what I would like to post here, forgive me if I cast around a little bit in the order of this writing. From the time I learned to read, I had an interest in Bible stories. I do not know when or where the interest started. I am sure many of the stories read to me as a child were from the Bible story book. Also, going to church and Bible school would have helped cultivate the interest. Likewise from my earliest memories, I knew I did not want to be among those who were sent to Hell for all eternity. I well remember the time there were a number of conversions, which followed up with a baptismal service when I would have been 10-12 years of age. At the conclusion of the baptismal service, there was some time given for testimonies, and a certain brother stood up and left the thought concerning the blessing received by a number of young people becoming saved, and it would be nice if the Lord would return now to take them all home to Heaven. I was immediately upset with the brother, because he made such a comment, and in my mind, I said, “No, I am not ready yet!” I don’t remember that coming from a feeling of disobedience, but rather just knowing a person had to be converted and baptized in order to go to Heaven, and that had not happened to me yet. It was somewhere in here where I had an encounter with a feeling of pride. I did not recognize it for pride, but I do remember the feeling of being lifted up above those in my Bible school class. My dad was the teacher, and one of the other classmates asked him how I knew so much about the Bible. I would have been 12 or 13 at the time. He made a comment referring to how much time I spent reading Bible story books and felt that was why. The feelings of pride that I experienced at that time, knowing I knew more about the Bible than all the rest of my classmates was heady. I have no trouble seeing it was that feeling that has had much to do with the reason I pursued a knowledge of the Bible like I have. I also know, while the motivation might have been wrong, I learned about God in such a way where it brought me to a faith in Him that does not waver. That statement has been challenged and will be again by some who know me, and having said that, I urge you to stay with me as I continue on this journey.

Conversion

I hardly know where to start. Many, if not all, of those who are converted, when looking back see where there are so many little details that had a part in what happened. If you are like me, you see where those happenings were not of your doing, but were of God and brought us to the place where we became broken. I can not identify the exact place where I received a faith in God, which led to the prayer that gave me peace in my heart. I remember talking about getting converted with my friends when I would have been eleven years of age, and remember some of the competition there between us. I also remember the night I was in trouble with my life, and my dad came into my bedroom to see if he could help me. I do not remember what happened to bring me into trouble that evening, but I well remember kneeling beside my bed with my dad and praying. I do not remember if he prayed or if I prayed, nor the content of the prayer, but I do remember when he left and I went to bed how it seemed like the wall at my head fell away, I could look up into the night sky and know all was right between God and I. I was twelve year old at the time of my conversion.
This feeling of being right with God did not last all that long, and by the time I was baptized, I knew it was not there anymore. When I shared my conversion experience with the congregation, I had a confession to a fellow classmate I was grappling with and had not dealt with. Minister Curt Ensz picked up on this and asked me about it. I was not willing at the time to make the confession, and thinking Minister Curt would think I needed to, I lied to him concerning how everything had happened. Because of the lie, he told me he felt I had taken it to God and did not need to go to my classmate. I knew I had lied, but did nothing about it, and sometime later when I was baptized, it was with this on my conscience. Not having the peace with God that I wanted, and knowing why I did not also kept me from the power of the Holy Spirit and I was not someone with power. Naturally, this lead to a life where God could not be what He wanted to be for me.

Life in My Teens

As I had received baptism knowing I no longer was a faithful Christian, it will come as no surprise my life was filled with failure. As revivals approached, I was somewhat concerned about what was to be done. It has been over 40 years ago, so the details are not that clear anymore, but I do remember not being willing to open up to anyone about the lie I had told. When it came time for me to declare myself ready for communion service, I stood and stated I had peace with God and man. I also knew that was not true, but followed through with communion anyway. That was the only communion I participated in while I was in my teens. In spite of the way I was living, somewhere in here we had what is called “The Panel Time”. I went in for my visit, and at the time must have shared with the ministers in such a way, as for them to tell me they felt I would do well if I kept up my Bible reading and prayer life. I do not remember what I would have told them, and don’t even remember right then if I had pushed the lies to the back of my mind and felt I would get by. I do know my understanding and accountability to God was not what it should have been. I was not troubled with the things in my life I knew were wrong if the brethren did not know about them. There did come a time where I no longer tried to uphold a form of Christian living, and my life became open before those I had daily contact with. It was not long, and my Christian life had become a concern to the church, when two brethren, I respected, came to the door of the house and encouraged me to change my ways. When they left, I went to my room in the basement, cleaned out all of the items I knew were not for a Christian and took them to the burn barrel. That evening was a council meeting where I shared what happened to me that day. The brethren accepted I had repented and met the Lord. I do not remember what day that was, but it would have been about one week later that I went to town and bought another tape player. If I am remembering right, this would have been on a Saturday, and the next morning I was sitting in the family room when my dad walked past to get ready for church and asked me if I was going. He must have sensed something was wrong to question me, and I told him I wasn’t planning to. Before I got out of the chair that morning, I expressed the following thought to God.
“God, I do not know what happened. One week ago I felt like all I wanted to do was live a Christian life and today I do not even want to go to church.”
At that time I concluded that Christian life was not for me, and I would try it again later in life. I knew I did not want to go into eternity without being saved. For whatever reason I was not scared of losing my life in an unexpected way, but fully expected to live a life where I would have a chance to have my sins forgiven. From there I lived life without any pretense of Christianity, and was excommunicated not long after I turned seventeen. I lived a life of sin, but must have been troubled somewhat about it, because as I would get into things , which at one time I would have said I would never do, I would set a new boundary farther in the future, declaring I would not cross over. It did not work, and I found myself in a situation where I was forced to look at the path I as taking and was reminded of my decisions not to cross certain boundaries. At the time I still did not know what to do, but I was then living on my own and went home to see my parents.  While there my mother and I were visiting, and as she told me of some of the happenings going on with one of my sisters, I became concerned about her and some of the things she had been involved in. I headed back into town where I lived and was not very far down the road when I heard God speak to me. He asked me why I was concerned about my sister and not about myself.  God’s question showed me the need to be concerned about my own life, and I knew it was time to follow God.  It did not take very many weeks and I shared my decision with the church and was reaccepted.
Romans 4:16-17 “Therefore it is of faith, that it might be by grace; to the end the promise might be sure to all the seed; not to that only which is of the law, but to that also which is of the faith of Abraham; who is the father of us all, (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.”

Seeking Man’s Approval – Finding God’s

Romans 4:16-17 “Therefore it is of faith, that it might be by grace; to the end the promise might be sure to all the seed; not to that only which is of the law, but to that also which is of the faith of Abraham; who is the father of us all, (As it is written, I have made thee a father of many nations,) before him whom he believed, even God, who quickeneth the dead, and calleth those things which be not as though they were.”

There is a book, which uses the term “Barking at the Choir” in the title, and it seems to fit what I do better than the term, “singing to the choir”. When I think of the verses in Romans quoted at the beginning and look at, “that it might be by grace,” I realize this is what is needed in my life. I believe I know what the term means in my head, but feel crippled when it comes to serving the Lord by grace. I am not really sure why this is, but have wondered if it is related to the strong inclination in me to seek approval from man. A number of years ago, I was struggling and I sought God daily in much frustration and anxiety. I was often in such trouble where I was miserable in whatever setting I found myself. In these times, the prayer of my heart was a complete surrender to God. I did not understand at the time how I could have such a complete surrender and not find a rest. I was told if I was really surrendered, I would find what I was looking for, but I did not find that to be true. During this time my wife and I had talked about a couple brothers in whom we had respect concerning their relationship with God and understanding of His Word. We both felt if I went to one of them to seek advice, I might find answers that would guide me to where I wanted to be with God. There came a time I did go to one of these brethren, and shared my heart. After I shared, he made a comment I knew to be untrue and my spirit fell in despair. I realized later the feeling of despair came from another feeling of this brother being my last resort to finding what I needed. His comment to me, “Somewhere there is still an unwillingness in you.” I knew this to be untrue, because of the repeated times of surrender. Shortly after the comment, I left and as I drove away from his house, I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit. “Scott, when are you going to quit looking to man for approval?” My struggle was over. I knew in my heart I had the approval of God through faith, but had been also looking for man’s approval. As God was able to show me I did not need man’s approval, the following verses became a reality.
Romans 14:17-18 “For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost. For he that in these things serveth Christ is acceptable to God, and approved of men.”
This has not been a one-time learning for me, but rather I feel it is what I am needing to learn all over again. The scriptures tell me if I serve Christ in righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost, this is what brings the acceptance of God and approval of man.

Church Discipline

Several years ago I felt I wanted more concerning my relationship with God. This feeling came as I noticed I was crippled when I felt like God was asking something of me, and I always had an excuse for not doing it. Most times it felt like what He was asking, I was not only incapable of doing, but if I did, how would it be looked at by my brethren. I knew there was some unbelief hidden in my reasoning, but it seemed no matter how hard I prayed or tried to move ahead, it came to nothing and I had a feeling of defeat. There were countless times I cried out to God for answers concerning my lack of faith in Him. Repeatedly in my distress, I felt like He told me to have patience and He would bring me to where He wanted. I rested in that over and over again. Anytime I would try to convince myself that I was ready to move ahead or just needed to move ahead, by what I was reasoning to take a step in faith, I would fall in such a way that Satan would have more reason in trying to convince me I had nothing with God. God in His mercy and grace would always reassure me He was there all the time, and I would again come to a rest in waiting. While this was happening, I was asked to go to church to meet with our ministers, deacon, and revival ministers to share about my Christian life. This invite was a little bit of a surprise, but not completely. It was a surprise because up to this time, I had not been visited by any of the brethren that would have expressed a concern with my relationship with God. I did have a conversation with the deacon of our congregation, and he told me he believed me to have a resistant spirit. I questioned him concerning that, and even as he left I had a denial of it in my heart. Later the same day, I was praying and asking God if I had a resistant spirit, and I understood Him to tell me that I did, and why. I gave it to Him and asked that He would forgive me and take it away. I believe He did that. This does not mean I have not struggled with it again, no, I have. It is a continual coming to Him with it. I did not like the idea of meeting with the leaders knowing the only reason they wanted to visit was concerns they would have in how I was living my Christian life. I also believe if there was a proper concern, it should start with individuals sharing first. When I called our deacon back with that, he told me it was because the brethren were afraid of me. I told him that was not how love worked. and if they were too afraid to come, it really meant they did not love me. He did not agree, and before we were done with the phone call, he told me he believed me to be deceived. I in turn told him, I did not have a reason to come in if my condition was already prejudged. This phone call left me very unsettled and concerned.  Later I called one of the ministers from our congregation and shared some of the contents of the call with him. He did agree with me that love did not work that way, and told me if I did not want to come in for a visit something else could be worked out. However, later in the day as I was thinking about all of it, I was praying and giving myself to God again, and received another assurance He was with me. I then asked God what He wanted me to do. I believed Him to tell me I should go in for the meeting with the leaders. I did go in that evening and had a rest as I was there in sharing. I do know there were two different times in that meeting where I replied to two different ministers concerning something they asked me, and I felt they did not like my response. Had I been able to take it back, I would have. Not because I said it from a spirit of resistance, but rather because I have many times wished I was not so forward in my words. And yet I also know this desire not to be forward is because I have a certain idea that forward people are proud people. Over and over again the Lord has tried to help me see He makes people how they are because it is how He wants them to be, and again I realize pride or humility is not in a person because of what they are like, but rather a person is humble because God works it in him. When I left the meeting that evening, I was not all that concerned about what would happen.  I felt it went well and felt there were a couple of the ministers that heard what I tried to share with them concerning my wanting a closer walk with God. The leaders called again and wanted to come to our house and share with me. The first meeting was on Friday and on Monday they did come to our house. In this meeting they only came to tell me their proving of the Friday meeting. They told me they had proven me to be in deception and had a divisive spirit in the congregation, and they were going to recommend the congregation to ask me to repent. This completely knocked the props out from under me. I had no idea they would prove it that way. I knew what the deacon had told me but did not think they all felt that way. I could say more about how that happened and what happened in the next year, but for now I think I will just say a year went by, and they requested another visit. Following that visit I was excommunicated. There are things that happened in the year in between and concerning how the church discipline happened that has shaken my relationship with many of the brethren I have gone to church with for many years, and right now I do not know what to do with that. I know I have struggled with much hurt and offense. I will tell you I do not believe I am offended at people. I know Satan continues to try to bring me back where I focus on people and what they did, but I believe God is in control of all things, so my offense is directed to Him, since He could have had it happen differently if He had wanted. But it is also my belief He is in control that keeps me going back to Him to be forgiven and kept.

God’s Still Working on Me

My life is like others in this way: there are many happenings along the way that lead to present day. But while they are important to me, going into all the details would detract from what I want to say.  I feel I have been crippled in my Christian life for quite some time now.  I often prayed about it, and my wife and I talked different times about it.  It has been hard for me to understand why it is like this, because in my heart I know I want God’s way.  To try to explain why I felt crippled is a little hard for me, but I felt at times there were things God would ask of me, and I was not unwilling, just did not understand why He would ask it of me.  This often came because I felt my own faults and failings would keep it from being successful.  I could see this was a lack of faith in me and looked to find the reason for the lack of faith.  I often searched my life, looking over the happenings from the past and of the present.  There were times I felt I might have found the reason in present day things or happenings in my life such as: involvement in things where concerns and even resolutions have been left by the Church of God in Christ, Mennonite.  I am a part of this church, and have been taught and believed the teachings, concerns, and resolutions are from God.  So, anything in my life not lining up with this, I would look into, trying to understand if it was why I was crippled.  Different times I would endeavor to make changes where there was something I had questions on and wondered if it was something God wanted to purge from my life.  Almost without fail, when I tried to make a change, I would struggle and fall in a way that took me to my knees before God, asking what had happened.  Always in these times, God would bring me to this: it was because I was trying to fix my own problems.  This was and is frustrating to me, because I want my problems fixed!  God is teaching me not to despair when I feel all I have left is, Trust in Jesus Christ, but rather that is what He has been leading me toward all along. 

 Marching On

I have wanted to add to my story for quite some time, and have tried, but did not have the words yet to do so. In the last section of my story, I stated I was still a part of the Mennonite church. I am not any more, and yet, that statement should be qualified. The Mennonite ways were the only ways I really knew for many years, so I would probably say, “Mennonite is still very much a part of me”. I am not going to say a lot here concerning the Mennonite church, because I still have many “brothers and sisters”, who are still a part of that church, and I love them dearly. The Holdeman Mennonite church has a belief what they consider to be a doctrine of the Bible called, “One True Visible Church”. I do not know the circumstances or when this belief came into question in my mind, but because of people and happenings God brought into my life, I lost my understanding of that belief being Biblically sound. The judgement I had concerning others who were not a part of the Holdeman Mennonite church, I found to be a judgement God did not want me to have. Like I said, I do not know when I started to question this belief, but it has been a good ten years since I believed it like I once did. This did not concern me, because I knew I was going to church with fellow believers in Christ, and did not expect my life to be judged as without Christ, because I no longer believed “One True Visible Church” to be a doctrine of the Bible. When I was proved to be in deception, because I no longer believed the same concerning this subject, and was excommunicated from the membership of the Holdeman church, my life was turned upside down. I had been and still was very comfortable worshiping with the Mennonite people, but excommunication brings with it an avoidance. Excommunication carries with it the question of “lost or saved”. Many Holdemans commonly believe an excommunicated person’s salvation to be in question, and in the older generations, many would feel confident an excommunicated person is lost. This creates a wall between those who are still members and those who are excommunicated. I would like to insert here, I have quite a number of Holdeman Mennonite friends and family, who I do not feel that judgement from in any kind of a harsh or legalistic way. Yet because the wall was there, I realized I could not worship freely with them anymore, so I quit going. This was very difficult for me, as Sunday worship was precious to me. I did not immediately look for a different group of Christians to worship with. Sundays were long, and I missed the fellowship with other Christians. There came a time some months down the road where I was invited to join the Nazarenes for worship. I knew some of the members from there, and I accepted the invitation. My first Sunday school there was a balm to my lonesome soul. There were and still are practices of worship different from what I am used to, and I find at my age, I really do not want to get used to the different ways. However, I had not been attending for very many Sundays, and questioning what I was doing in such a strange place, when God made it clear to me, I was worshipping with other believers in Christ. After a couple years, my wife and I are still attending the Nazarene church here in Cimarron. Because I am not young anymore, the changes have not come easy, and there have been times of frustration, but I am finding more and more I am getting used to ways, which are not Mennonite ways, and resting in Christ. This is a very abbreviated version of the journey, and perhaps the words will be there for more detail later, but I would end with the following statement. My faith in God has not wavered. I believe in Jesus Christ as my Savior and Lord. This has remained constant in my life, and as I look on to future in my Christian walk, I do not know where all God will lead me on this journey of life. Likely there will be more frustration. I do know the end of the earthly journey, and have known it for many years. I am trusting the grace of Jesus given to me by His Spirit to keep me safe in Him the remainder of this walk to an eternal rest with Him